Hi there…wondering where I have been? Typically my posts are flowers and sunshine…this one is a bit different. I am uncertain as to where to even start.
In August, my husband and I learned we were pregnant with our second child and we were ecstatic. Then, on a normal day in September, I was sitting at a stoplight with B in the backseat, who was quietly enjoying his ice cream cone. I looked up into the rearview mirror and saw an SUV coming up behind us, going at full speed. I could see that the woman driving was looking down….and she was not stopping. Everything went into “slow motion” from there…she slammed into us, throwing our car into another car and that car into another. I heard B crying and turned around…to my relief he was unharmed. But then I realized I felt a strange, strong pressure in my tummy. Much to my sadness, we later learned we lost our sweet baby. I won’t go into details, but the process felt never-ending…as my doctor put it, my miscarriage experience was “normal, but not very common.” I will never forget the way I felt during the entire experience. I felt like an outsider watching my life. I had the help of my family and my friends through the entire process. Things like that really teach you a lot about who you surround yourself with….and I’ve surrounded myself with some good people. My husband was my rock and we grew even closer. My family and my friends sat with me when times felt hard and they just let me cry. They all helped me get to a point where I made peace with my loss.
Physically, I felt as though I had fallen off of a bicycle and was struggling to get up. I was so weak, so tired, but kept pushing myself to return to normalcy. Then, last week, a strange new sensation took over. I could not make it up the stairs in my home without stopping to sit down and catch my breath. I continued to grow weaker. I went to my follow up appointment with my doctor (yes, still from the never-ending miscarriage.) They did blood work and I went home to get B ready for trick-or-treating.
We headed to a “Pre-Trick-or-Treating Party” for the kids. As I was taking pictures of B and his buddies all dressed up, I remember knowing if I did not sit immediately I would fall over. I felt so bad for B…he could tell mommy was not feeling well and unfortunately my husband was out of town for work. I felt helpless. Thankfully, one of my very dearest friends came over and went “trick-or-treating” with us. Thank goodness, because by that point I was barely able to walk and thanks to her, my little “skunk” was still able to trick or treat. For some reason, over the next day, I pushed on and continued to exert myself physically.
Then, on Friday morning, I was contacted about my lab results-my blood was so low that I needed a transfusion. That is one heck of a scary thing to hear. Once again, my family and friends jumped to action. They all communicated with each other and arranged for me to be driven to the hospital. My mother came and got B and my friend stayed with me. Luckily my husband’s flight was coming in as we got to the hospital. I was not alone for a second and I can’t express how much that meant to me (you all know who you are…thank you from the bottom of my heart.)
I had an outpatient blood transfusion and went home. Over the next few days, I began to feel very ill. When I woke early on Monday morning, I knew that I needed help immediately. I told my husband we needed to go to the ER. He rushed to grab everything as I laid on the floor moaning, with poor B standing over me. Somehow, I made it to the car. Once we were at the ER, we realized why I felt so awful…my blood level was at a 5. (Normal is a 12.) Immediately, they began giving me more blood transfusions. I remember looking at the nurse and telling her “I think I am dying.” She looked me right in the eye, grabbed my hand, and said “No. No. You have to have the will to live. You will get through this.” That moment gave me a new found appreciation and admiration for nurses everywhere. (To any nurse that may read this….thank you for what you do.) I knew she was right. I HAD to get through it. I was admitted into the hospital for a few nights. Multiple transfusions and some procedures later, I was stable…still anemic, but stable. Today, I was sent home. My journey is still not over, but I am home and I couldn’t be happier.
Last night, I was reading my Facebook newsfeed from my hospital bed and reading all of the hateful status updates as the election results were being announced. I kept wondering how there could be so much hate. All I could think was how thankful I was to be alive and how much I longed to just go outside, just do laundry, just play outside with my child….just do the normal things that people do. I vowed to myself at that moment that I will never take another second for granted. I will embrace every annoying nanosecond that life throws my way. I will kiss my child’s cheeks way too much and try to tolerate watching football with my husband. You never know what you can lose in a second…and life is so damn beautiful.